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Ignorance is bliss?

Discussion in 'Podiatry Trivia' started by Mark Russell, Nov 21, 2013.


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    A few days ago I visited two of my elderly patients (I'll call them Tom and Joan) at their home as she had become increasingly infirm and had recently spent a few weeks in hospital following a fall. They are both in their mid-90s - and what is remarkable about them is that they just spent their silver wedding together - having been married for the first time in their late 60s. I always enjoy hearing life stories, but most of our prior conversations revolved around music - they were both teachers of the subject and both played a variety of instruments, and this played an active part in their life together. Neither have any family left - the last remaining relative - Tom's sister, died a spinster five years ago, so they really have only themselves.

    During our conversation, Tom mentioned he had been trying to find out about his father - who had died in the USA in 1925. He had been a miner and lay preacher in Yorkshire, but in 1923, he had emigrated to America to seek a church that may offer him some work in the hope that he might bring his wife, son and daughter - then aged 5 and 2 years - over to a new life away from the depressed mining village where they then lived. Within a few weeks he had secured a parish in Pensilvania and his wife applied to the American Consulate in London for an family emigration visa, which was granted in 1924.

    Two weeks before they were due to sail, Tom's mother received a telegram and a newspaper cutting with the devastating news that her husband had been killed in an automobile accident and had been buried in his own church graveyard. They never got to America - and she subsequently remarried and Tom and his sister had a new step-dad. There were no other siblings.

    As is sometimes the want in later years, Tom tried to find out just where his dad was buried in 1925 in the hope that he might find out a little more about him. Five years ago he wrote to the church in Hawthorn, PA and enquired if they had any records about his dad and maybe some information about the accident. The only thing he had was a postcard/photo of the church his father had sent him when he was first appointed and a black and white photo of his father standing outside the church door. He didn't receive a reply and wrote again a year later. Still nothing came back. He concluded the church may no longer be there and resigned himself that he might never find out what happened to his dad.

    Tom's father's name is quite unusual and later that day, when I got home from the visit, I thought I'd google it with the name of the church - and much to my surprise came across more information that I thought was possible. It turns out, Tom's father didn't die in an accident in 1925, but in a Pensilvania rest home in 1970 - after marrying twice more and having twelve other children - step brothers and sisters to Tom - one of whom has created a family history page that includes their father's life - with the same photograph of him standing at the church door. There was no mention of a wife and two children left behind in Yorkshire.

    My dilemma is what to do with this information. This could clearly have an enormous impact on Tom and whether that may be good or bad, I cannot really say. He is unlikely to find out from anyone else - this was only a passing conversation - and he is even more unlikely to look on the Internet as he doesn't really know what it is! Is ignorance really bliss - or should he know about his Stateside step-siblings, before he too departs this place?

    What say you?
     
  2. Lab Guy

    Lab Guy Well-Known Member

    Mark,

    Your right, ignorance is bliss, and if I could go through life without hearing something that would hurt me, I would be all for it. If it was something I needed to hear, despite the pain associated with the news, then I would want to know. That is me, everyone is different.

    You wrote that he mentioned he wanted to learn about his father in passing conversation. If he asked you to directly help him find out about his father than I would think it would be appropriate to provide him the information you discovered. He did not ask you directly, so I do not think it would be professional or appropriate to tell him. Learning that his father had abandoned his wife, sister and him could understandably shake him up emotionally which could adversely affect his health at his age.

    However, you know these people best; trust and listen to your own heart.

    Steven
     
  3. Ros Kidd

    Ros Kidd Active Member

    I am in agreement with Steven, do no harm. Unless you get the direct question in which case you could not lie.
    Ros
     
  4. drsarbes

    drsarbes Well-Known Member

    There is also the question of whether or not your patient may wish to connect with his 12 siblings (step siblings). It may actually give him renewed interest and direction in life corresponding and discovering things about his "other" family.

    Having lost contact with his biological father at age 4 or 5 and having a step dad raise him and his sister, apparently all of them had moved on. Other than remorse for perhaps what his father had put his mother through, I think he would most likely be very very interested in the truth.

    At 90+ he's been through a lot of living and a lot of life's turmoil. Perhaps we need to give him more credit for experiencing 90 years of life on Earth and not assume he is of a fragile nature.

    I say tell them the truth, or at least what you found out. Knowing the truth may give him closure to a father he never really knew nor was able to bury and grief over.

    Just my 2 cents.
     
  5. RobinP

    RobinP Well-Known Member

    Wow - amazing story. If it were a slightly more of a happy ending,it would make a great Surprise Surprise(I'm told reliably that it is the type of thing that they do)

    I'd give him the tools to find out himself - mention in passing that such an unusual name must have some history to it and see if he picks up on it. Not strictly hiding the information and not telling him outright

    Suppose it depends on if he is an internet user, might be difficult to find out otherwise
     
  6. Mark:

    Very interesting story.

    Your friend sounds like an intelligent individual and, having lived more life than most people on this planet of ours, will probably be able to handle any news about his father, good or bad, at this point in his life. In my opinion, he should be given the choice of learning more about his father and his history, if he wants that information. If he doesn't want more information about his father after being told what you found, I'm sure he will be able to tell you so without any problem.

    I would visit him personally, sit down with him and tell him that you found information about his father and that he didn't die the way he thought, after all. Then I would ask him if he wants more information on his father and have the website information printed out for him to give to him if he wants it. I would make the meeting short, and leave him with the information by himself to read it at his leisure. Tell him you would be happy to help him learn more by helping him access the information on the internet at a later date, if he wishes.

    That is what I would do if faced with the same circumstances. I would be upset with myself, being a friend of his, if I didn't share this information with him at this point in his life since I would feel it wasn't really my decision to withhold this information from him or not in the last few years of his life.

    I would be interested in how things work out, if you don't mind sharing.
     
  7. blinda

    blinda MVP

    Love an eternal optimist/happy-ever-after ending hankerer.

    IMO, there are no rights or wrongs here. Sometimes we have to respect, or just accept, that people act within their perspective of `rightness` towards those they feel they have a duty to `protect`, whether we agree with it, or not.
     
  8. I would ask if Tom wants you to help find info 're his Dad

    Ask if any news good or bad should be passed on.

    And wait a day and around for a cuppa
     
  9. Many, many thanks for all the sage advice, but after considering all things, I've taken a slightly different track in dealing with this. I knew Tom does the shopping with a neighbour on Thursday afternoon so I went along earlier today to speak to Joan - who knows him better than anyone - and in doing so, I had another surprise. The church did reply to Tom's original letter, giving details of his father's life, including some contact details for his step-siblings in Pensilvania - only he never got to read it. Joan had opened the letter and decided it would be too much for him to learn of his father's other life. She had taken the second letter to the Post Office, but it was never sent. She has asked me not to reveal the information to him, so I guess the decision has been made for me - for now, at least. Maybe in time, depending on who survives the other, I might have to reconsider this issue, but not for now.

    Have to say it leaves me with a curious feeling though!

    Thanks again.
     
  10. Boots n all

    Boots n all Well-Known Member

    My Parents have just received similar news a few months ago.

    My Mother all of a sudden has 6 step brothers and sisters that she knew nothing of.

    The connection was made all by accident at a family gathering in country town, Horsham, Vic.

    The shock news was received with excitement to say the least by my Mother, who has spent most of this year phoning, emailing, writing letters and exchanging photographs of her/their Father and the stories of his younger life they knew nothing of.

    Several face to face meetings have been had and they want to see her six children and 16 grandchildren in the next few weeks.

    In short, it has been a very exciting time for Mum and her new found step brothers and sisters, dont underestimate the value of your information or how it will be received, by either side.
     
  11. Thanks David, and I am delighted in your family's new discovery and the joy that it has brought them. I am, however, very mindful of my patient's wife's request and position and for the time being that must be my principal consideration and forbearance. Not a situation I rest easy with however.

    All the very best
    Mark
     
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